In Which I Let Go

In November 2009 I traded in my 2008 Camry for a 2010 Corolla.  This was a financial decision as we had tons of medical bills coming up.  I was so incredibly upset and depressed because even though I didn't pick out my Camry, it was MY car.  As I've said before, we had no insurance and we'd just gotten some bad news financially, so we felt this was the right decision for us.  In reality, it wasn't really necessary as the payments weren't lowered by much.  To be honest, I've spent a lot of time dwelling on this and being very bitter towards my husband because he "pushed" this on me.  I've also been bitter towards him because I felt like I had to give everything up while he gave up nothing.

I decided tonight that I am going to let go of all of this negative energy and just finally be at peace with the decisions we have made.  There is nothing I can change and there is no sense in dwelling on what's already happenend.  My husband meant me no harm and I'm being foolish for continuing to hash this out 3 months later.

Letting go is a wonderful thing.  My mind will be clear and at ease and my relationship with my husband will be that much better.  This is my new mantra for life in general.  I'm not sure why I'm just now realizing I need to do this, but I truly think this will help with my mentality and overall mood.  Plus it will help me teach my son wonderful traits :).

So here's to letting go in 2010!

Bad Idea. Good Idea.

After complaining in my blog yesterday about all of the things wrong with my house, I found myself extremely depressed and upset.  And it only got worse as the day drug on.  The worst part was that what started as a simple blog trying to document what needed to be done to my house, it turned extremely negative and crossed over into other areas of my life.  I know, that sounds so silly, but once I get into a funk, my WHOLE existience turns negative and I begin to seriously wallow in my misery.  So basically I started disliking my life, and that is NEVER a good thing. 

In reality, my life does not suck, as I was thinking yesterday.  However, there are areas where it definitely needs improvement, and that is my sole responsibility and something that I think I am looking forward to now that I finally have my head somewhat wrapped around my feelings and emotions.  There are always going to be areas that need improvement, but it would most definitely behoove me to not focus on the negative aspects of those areas, and instead figure out what I need to do to actually improve those areas.  It may take an hour, it may take a year, but the important part was the journey.  Don't you love how I'm getting all philisophical?!

I read a lot of blogs.  Seriously, what else is there for me to do when I'm at home on bedrest and have been so for 2 months?!  Anyways, the blogs I read are of very inspiring people who make me want to be a better person.  I want to get rid of our TVs and other non-important electronics and lead a simple life of reading and continual learning, but I really don't see my husband going for that.  So maybe that isn't exactly for me.  But, instead of sitting on the computer all day long and all night long, I need to engage with my husband and have actual meaninful conversations and do actual meaningful things.  We are about to have a son and I do not want him spending all of his time playing video games and watching TV.  I want him to learn great and wonderful things so he can contribute great and wonderful things to our society and improve it for my grandkids.  I also want to go to Church.  Of course that would entail finding a religion I am 100% behind, finding a Church I love, and actually getting my husband to go.  I technically have a religion, but I don't know if I am 100% behind it anymore.  I probably am, I just find the service boring.  I really feel that Church is something that is missing in my life, even though I will probably regret that thought when I can't sleep in on Sundays anymore :).

I feel like there are so many aspects of my life that need changes.  Maybe not huge changes, but changes nevertheless.  And right now it does seem daunting because I have no idea where to start at.  What will make the biggest impact?  What is the best for my family?  What will benefit my son the most?  What will bring me the most joy?  These are all questions I need to answer to feel complete about my decision(s).  So the first thing I'm doing is going to Half Price Books tomorrow morning and I'm going to buy books!  Lots of books!  Parenting books and organizing books and learning books and just BOOKS!  Can you tell I'm excited?!  I'm hoping that, as well as work, will pull me away from this stupid computer!  I sit at it day in and day out and I find myself depressed at the end of the day.  So I've had enough.  That's my first step, I'm backing away from the computer, at least a little bit.  I'm taking baby steps folks.  I'm also going to work on a daily schedule for myself, besides the one I have for cleaning, that will make me feel more productive and will help me in many other facets (reading! remember!) of my life.

I think the post from the other day was bad and good at the same time.  I know what I need to do to my house at the very least.  Plus, it opened my mind up and allowed me to realize that my life isn't as imperfect as I thought, but there are things I need to change.  And I can personally make those changes a reality, and that is great!  I only wish it wouldn't have dampened my spirits so much and allowed my bad mood to affect my husband, Mom, and animals.  I truly wish I could take that back, but I need to learn to learn...that is to learn from my mistakes because I am one of those that believes everything happens for a reason.  Basically, I needed to get depressed to see the error of my thinking and to change my thinking to something more productive.  Amen!

Unharden my Heart

I went with my Mom to Tom Thumb this afternoon after she got off of work. She picked me up at the house; we drove around for about an hour, and then headed to the store for some more green beans and other accoutrements. We frequent this store quite a bit; we were just there Monday as a matter of fact. There are two "slower" people who work there, a man and a woman. While we were trying to park (in the handicap spot due to my Mom's knees, which should be fine soon...), the man was collecting carts and happened to be in our way. I immediately got irritated and said some not so nice things to my Mom. And I immediately felt horrible. Yes, he can be a bit irritating, he will talk and talk to you saying the same thing over and over again, but that is no reason to get frustrated or irritated. I've really tried to make it a habit not to get "annoyed" by these folks, but apparently I'm not doing so well.

Sitting in my Mom's car, I began thinking about all of this and how unGodly and rude this is of me. I had an epiphany if you will. People are who they are, no matter their differences, and I should learn to love and accept everyone no matter what. It most definitely isn't my place to judge others. And I find judging others has quite a negative effect on my heart and my overall well being. I'm the first to admit, I'm quite a judgmental person, overly so really. I would like to lose this layer of my personality completely. Only God has the right to judge, and while I may not like a person’s so called flaws, I need to learn to accept them for what they are, part of God's creation.

This is a huge step for me because being judgmental is part of my personality, a big part. My husband often comments that I am way too judgmental and that's probably why I don't have a lot of friends. Though he is being sarcastic, I can't help but wonder if what he says is true. I don't open myself up to people because of my preconceived notion of their personalities. And truthfully, I'm probably missing out on knowing a lot of great people. I think it is also partly a defense mechanism as I myself am terrified of being judged by others. I am scared to know what they think when they see me and talk to me. But this is really only hurting me and depressing my soul.

I feel this falls along the lines of wanting to be more Godly and a much better Christian. I need to find a Church I feel connected to and find a group of women I can relate to and share experiences with. So I guess this is one huge goal for me. Open my heart more to God by finding a great Church, and then I will lose my judgmental-ness and live a happier life. See how it all relates?!