The blog that will never be

I was going to write a terribly long post on my current frustrations.  However that isn't productive, and could potentially hurt people's feelings, so I am choosing to avoid this right now.  Just know, I'm very frustrated right now, but I'm pretty sure this will change.  Instead, I want to channel my frustration into productive activities, and believe me there are hundreds to do around this here casa.

There is so much I need to get done.  Some things are short term, like completing this semester; and some are long term, like getting our finances in order and living debt free using Dave Ramsey's ideas.  I guess I could put these on my 101 goals in 1001 days.  So maybe my goal for this week is to start working on my goals for the next few years.  Huh, a goal for goals, how odd!  I feel like this will be much more productive than dwelling on my annoyances/frustrations.

Weston is doing well, of course.  He had his first visit with the Easter Bunny yesterday.  He was absolutely adorable!  Please ignore me!

Here's a better view of his little outfit

I love this little boy!

Almost 5 Weeks

So Weston has been on this Earth for almost 5 weeks.  I apologize for the lack of blogging, but holy moly it's hart taking care of a baby and all of my millions of animals.  He has these days where he absolutely doesn't want to be put down, and as you can imagine, that makes it very hard to do anything, much less blog.

My priorities have definitely shifted, to say the least.  My life absolutely revolves around my little man.  Everything I do is for him.  Also, I'm exhausted!  The every 3 hour feeding schedule may just be the death of me.  OK, it won't, but it is really hard.  Those days he is super fussy are also quite hard on me.  But, I love him so much.  Even at his worst, he is still a great baby.

I almost have the birth story completed, though I don't know if I will post it.  That is something very personal and special, so I'm still on the fence about that.  Sorry to leave you hanging.

I really don't have anything interesting to report.  I spend all my time with Weston, and while I think he is the most interesting thing ever, some might not agree :).  I will say this much though, he is incredibly advanced for his age.  He was trying to lift his head before he was a week old, and has been able to fully lift it since he was 2 weeks.  He's also been smiling and laughing for about a week now.  He also is trying to crawl already!  He can move the legs, its just the arms that are throwing him off.  He will have it soon though!  I'm so amazed and proud of my baby.  He really is perfect.

With that, I'm going to end since he is probably about to stop fussing since his Dad put him in his swing to take the dogs out.  Hopefully it won't be so long for my next post.

Its Almost Time

After my vent on Monday, I guess my prayers were answered.  I went to the doctor today and my induction has been moved up.  I now go in Saturday night around 9:30pm for them to put that gel stuff on your cervix to start the induction process.  My doctor will then be in Sunday morning to break my water and start the pitocin (the devil's brew from what I understand).  And then Weston will be here sometime Sunday.

I have a wide array of emotions running through my body right now.  My mood roller coaster has been out of this world today and I'm not too fond of that.  When he first told me I was ecstatic!  I was practically jumping for joy and literally skipping down the hall out of the doctor's office.  I think I was mainly happy because I don't have to go back there until well after Weston is born.  I love the office and the people there, but I'm really tired of going in.  I have been so many times, everyone knows me so well there, its almost comical.  I was giddy with the excitement of knowing I wouldn't have anymore nerve-wracking appointments, and that I was going to meet my son.  As time wore on, I became scared, petrified, nervous, anxious, etc.  My husband and I went to Chick-Fil-A for breakfast (we've started going to breakfast together after every Wednesday appointment) and I actually started crying while we were in there eating!  Isn't that ridiculous?!

I know it may be stupid to a lot of people, but my animals mean the world to me.  They are my babies and always will be.  I am terrified I will neglect them and not want them anymore once Weston gets here.  My Mom says that would never happen, but I'm so afraid it will.  I'm so afraid I won't have enough love for my child and my animals.  I know this probably doesn't cross any normal mom-to-be's mind, but it sure has mine.  I am going to make a concious effort to put aside time each day to spend with my animals.  Of course that won't be hard with the dogs, they are out all the time and are constantly around me.  I am going to do my best to not get so easily annoyed at them, but that is going to be hard considering they are big clumsy oafs who step all over me and bark at the slightest noise.

I think I have calmed down a bit since earlier this morning.  I'm terrified of childbirth, but I know millions of women have done it before me, and millions will do it after me, I'm really just a number.  I'm hoping to go at it all natural, but I also hope I am aware enough to know my limitations.  I will have my very supportive husband there who I'm sure will kick it up a notch and help me out.

Now I'm off to fold laundry because it needs to get done.  There are about 5 million other tasks, so I need to get it in gear!

Blessed

I know I definitely don't tell him enough, but I truly am blessed to have Victor as my husband.  Even though he drives me crazy and can be a little butt time and time again, he always proves he loves me and takes such good care of me.  We have been together for a little over 5 years and married for the last 3, and he never fails to surprise me.  Tonight he brought me home some pink roses, a sweet little card, and some Reese's because they are my favorite candy.  He is so sweet and caring!  We both think Valentine's Day is nothing but a Hallmark Holiday, but for him to go out of his way to do something nice like that meant so much to me.

I sometimes feel like I don't appreciate him enough, even though I try really hard to be a good, dedicated wife.  He goes to work, lately 6 days a week, and works insane hours to provide for me and his son, while I sit at home and do as much as I can to welcome him home, which isn't much if you ask me.  He works so hard and I really appreciate his effort.  He is truly one of the sweetest and most genuine people I know, and for that I am truly blessed and thankful.

I also feel like I am blessed to have both sides of his family as my own now.  I may not always agree with things people do, but that is part of life.  I have recently decided that I have a much too negative attitude and need to learn to accept people for their differences and appreciate them in my life.  He has a great family, for the most part (hey, don't we all?!), and I really enjoy their company.  They have all been nothing but nice to me (excluding one person) and very accepting of me, and I'm really thankful for that.

I guess I am getting a little "thoughtful" since I will be having my first child in the next few days.  I want to raise my son with a sweet disposition and to always be respectful and caring towards others.  I want him to be grateful for what he has and cherish his family for what they are, not despise them for what they could be.  In order to foster these thoughts and actions, I need to change my ways of thinking and my actions.  I've been trying very hard to do these things lately, I just hope I can be the ideal Mom for my precious baby boy.

Low Fluid I hate Thee

I had my weekly checkup this morning...it did not go very well.  I now get weekly sonograms to monitor the fluid level as I have been having issues with that as of late.  It is related to the blood pressure issue, naturally.  My fluid level was down to 6.5, with 5 being the lowest it can go before they induce.  I have another appointment on Friday due to this discovery, and depending on what we find out, Weston may be here sooner than we were anticipating.  I'm depressed about this because I've tried everything I can to relax, stay hydrated, and rest.  As I've told Victor, it makes me feel like a bad Mom because my body is doing this to my son.  I really hope my fluid level goes back up and we have some more time to prepare.  I haven't packed my bag yet, nor do I have everything I need for Weston.  I don't even have things to put in the diaper bag yet, which is sad, I know.

Victor and I came home and he started back up on my nesting for me :).  We have completely rearranged 4 rooms in the house, as well as set up the majority of the nursery in the last 3 weeks.  I mainly supervise, which probably sucks big time for him since I'm bossy and hard to please.  I think he's somewhat used to this by now though.  I love the new layout of all the rooms.  I'm so smart when it comes to those things, not to blow my own horn or anything.  I think he is secretly really pleased as well, he just hates admitting it.  We are hoping to have Weston's room complete by this Sunday, but who knows if that will get done.

I just wanted to post an update.  I'm not in a very good mood right now, so other updates won't come until tomorrow or so.  I'm really in a funk, which I've been fighting for weeks and its really just gotten the best of me.

Slacker!

Well, at least on a personal front.  I've been doing a lot of work the past few days, so I haven't gotten to do a lot of the personal stuff I'd like to.  I'm also physically and mentally drained, so I've been having a hard time doing things, working is really taking its toll, especially now that I am having such a hard time to sleep.

So, no I did not get the Meal Plan Monday thing done.  We did sit down and write out a menu, but I have not made it to the grocery store yet!  Which obviously means the Try it Tuesday did not happen as I had no ingredients for my green smoothie.  I'm irritated by all of this, but I just have to get over it.  Life happens, a lot, so I need to look at the positives and not dwell on what I feel I missed out on.

In some very awesome and great news, we rented the house out today!  I'm still apprehensive since no contract has been signed yet, but that is happening on Friday and we will be getting half of the deposit then and the remaining the following Friday.  You have no idea how thrilled I am with this.  It gives us a lot of direction and clarity within our lives as we now don't have the burden of that house hanging over us.  Our new tenants will be moving in at the end of February/beginning of March.  Is that ideal?  Not really, but I'm excited that we have a renter, and from what I've heard, they sound pretty awesome.  They will be doing any and all repairs themselves, which is a huge relief to us.  I haven't officially met them since I try to stay home and relax as much as possible, but that will change on Friday.  I have a lot to do, lease agreement wise, between now and then, so wish me luck :).  I'm thinking about asking my friend for some assistance since she is quite the expert.  I really am just so darn excited.

In other exciting, but not nearly as monumental, news, we rearranged our bedroom today.  OK, I mainly did nothing and Victor did everything, but that's how it goes when you are pregnant.  It looks awesome!  It works so much better for us and the room actually seems bigger.  Of course we have 2 huge kennels in there for the dogs, but we can't do anything about that.  I still have a lot of stuff to pick up and sort in there, but I will get to it in due time.  Next up is the living room and dining room.  We are making huge changes in these 2 areas!  Since Victor will actually have the whole day off next Wednesday, those arrangments will be done then.  I am so excited, you have no idea.  I finally figured out a layout that works for our house.  We won't be using the dining room as a dining room anymore, it will become the new office.  We have a rather big breakfast nook, so our table will be moving in there.  This will be especially beneficial once Weston begins eating solids.  The carpet would be utterly ruined so being on tile will be a lot better.  Plus it just seems natural :).  I will still have a lot of placement to figure out, but I will get it done.

The next 2 days will still be pretty busy for me.  As I said, the end of January is a very busy time in my particular field, and we get everything done a week out, which means Friday everything has to be done.  I'm helping as much as possible, hence the tons of work I've been trying to do the last couple of days.  I won't be here much, and I probably won't be getting a lot of personal stuff done, but the following week should be much better and things should flow much better.  I am really looking forward to the coming weeks as we start really preparing our my baby boy to get here.

Update

Yes, it's me, live and all fleshy like.  Todays appointment went great!  My fluid level was back up to 10, which is great!  And, my blood pressure was 114/76 which is even greater!  I don't have to back until next Wednesday woohoo!  I'm sure my doctor would have preferred that I come in next Monday, but it is so much easier on Wednesdays since my husband is off work on that day.  Anyways, I am so thrilled and my baby boy gets to cook another week!  He was so cute on the sonogram.  He had his foot up right by his face and it was a perfect foot picture!  He also had his hands around his face.  It was his sleepy time so he was irritated that the sonogram tech kept poking at him...just like his Momma.  They didn't tell me how his weight was measuring, but I'm sure everything is going great.  He's such a trooper and I can't wait to meet him, in due time of course.

I will be back later tonight with our menu plan.  I'd like to plan it out with Victor since, you know, he eats the food too.  My Mom told us to pick the food since she can always find something to eat.  I'm going to try and be concious of her needs, but its so hard, we are a weird eating family.  But I'm really going to try and branch us out in the food department as I think that will encourage us actually eating at home as opposed to eating fast food.

Also, I'm going to be trying something new, green smoothies.  I need a lot more veggies and what better way than mixed with fruit where you can't really taste 'em :).  I'm looking for a good recipe right now, so I'll let you know.  There is a feature on a blog out there called Try it Tuesday, so maybe I'll do that tomorrow!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my appointment.  To say I am nervous is an understatement.  I'm terrified of what I will be told.  At least its early in the morning so I won't be dreading it all day long.  Hopefully I will get the news that my fluid level, if it did nothing else, at least stayed the same and did not go any lower.  I'm praying for that, I really am.  My son needs to stay inside a few more weeks!

With all of this in mind, I was going to take part in a thing called Menu Plan Monday from the Org Junkie website, but because I don't know if I will be coming home tomorrow, I didn't really think there was a point.  If I do get good news tomorrow, I will come home and try to get a menu lined up for the week so grocery shopping can be done.  And then I will take part in all of that fun.

I need to have an early night and relax as much as possible, especially considering I maybe got 3 total hours of sleep last night.  I don't really know what the issue is.  I came and laid out on the couch sometime after 1 because the dogs had taken up my whole side of the bed and I was tired of fighting with them.  Then 2 of my cats decided they needed to sleep on me, which didn't really bother me, but the couch was just not very comfortable.  Since my Mom went in to work at 5 this morning, once she left, I went and laid in her room where her cat proceeded to lay on me (a miracle because that cat is not nice to anyone), which again didn't bother me, but I just could not stay asleep.  I am desperate for some rest, especially since I know I won't get a lot once Weston is here.

Anyways, I was just checking in...I really hope I'm back tomorrow with a good report.

Frustration

I have had an extremely frustrating week, and unfortunately it isn't getting any better.  I'm trying to look on the bright side and stay positive, for my son's sake, but it is so incredibly hard.

Monday and Tuesday were hectic and felt overloaded to me.  I take most everything in my life entirely way too seriously, which is why I was originally hesitant to agree to work from home.  It has nothing to do with the people or the work, it has to do with the insane amount of pressure I place on myself.  I feel like I have to get every single thing done that is put in front of me, even if that isn't what others are actually expecting of me (they may like that, but know it probably isn't possible).  It is an extremely busy time of the year in my particular profession and obviously my company is short handed due to my bedrest.  I feel horrible about that and stress myself out about it constantly, so to somewhat try and compensate, anything that is sent to me, I usually try to complete and will work quite awhile to do so, which I shouldn't be doing.

Then move ahead to Wednesday.  My appointment wasn't until 10:50 and Victor's work made him work that morning (his day off) due to a shortage of people.  He had told them he had to be out of there no later than 10:15 so he could pick me up and take me to my appointment.  While I was waiting on him, I got up and worked some.  Things were just not going my way and it felt like everything I touched was messing up, so that naturally frustrated me.  I've also been having horrible phone troubles so I didn't receive his text message a little before 10:30 saying he was just now cleaning up to leave.  So I waited and waited, and finally got up and got ready and left on my own... later than I should have.  So I was late to my appointment, I got there at 10:50 and that's when my sonogram was scheduled, so I was pushed back and Victor (who met me up there, not 5 minutes after I got there) and I waited for quite some time.

We got our sonogram and everything was fine, or so I thought.  Apparently my fluid levels are on the very low end of OK.  But, of course you know that wouldn't be the only problem.  My blood pressure was elevated again, in the 140s, so that of course raised a lot of flags.  Unfortunately, my doctor wasn't there, he was at a conference, so I was seen by the nurse practioner who also consulted with the doctor on call for mine.  They decided I needed to do another 24 urine analysis (my 3rd one!) and I had to come back in this morning for another sonogram and blood pressure check.  My fluid level was at 8 (I really don't know what that means) and anything between 5 and 25 is normal, but because low fluid is a side effect of high blood pressure problems, they are starting to get concerned.

This morning, my Mom and I made it to the appointment...which we waited and waited as usual.  We got the sonogram and then I had my blood pressure checked and it was back down to normal, but my fluid level has gone down to a 7.  This is so incredibly frustrating for me because I did exactly as they said and tried to stay as hydrated as possible.  I literally drank at least 2 gallons of water yesterday and a gallon Wednesday after we finally got home from the appointment.  My doctor wants me back in bright and early Monday morning for another songoram and visit.  I was told I may have to start coming in twice a week as well.

I am so utterly depressed about this.  I'm scared as well.  I know if I get below 5 they will probably want me to deliver and if my pattern keeps up like it did this week, that will be by next Wednesday.  I'll only be 34 weeks at that point, and that is still just entirely way too early for my son to be born.  I guess the only thing I can do is relax as much as possible this weekend and continue drinking a billion gallons of water, and pray for the best outcome possible.  All of this just makes me feel like a terrible Mom already, and I feel helpless as well.

Add on to all of this that we are in the process of trying to rent out our other house, and I'm frazzled to the bone.  I've received a billion calls and we've had 4 families tell us they are VERY interested, but I haven't received any calls back so now I'm starting to stress out about that again.  This really just hasn't been my week :).

Here's to a relaxing and peaceful weekend.  I'm very hopeful that things take a turn for the better and that my son stays as healthy as possible!