After complaining in my blog yesterday about all of the things wrong with my house, I found myself extremely depressed and upset. And it only got worse as the day drug on. The worst part was that what started as a simple blog trying to document what needed to be done to my house, it turned extremely negative and crossed over into other areas of my life. I know, that sounds so silly, but once I get into a funk, my WHOLE existience turns negative and I begin to seriously wallow in my misery. So basically I started disliking my life, and that is NEVER a good thing.
In reality, my life does not suck, as I was thinking yesterday. However, there are areas where it definitely needs improvement, and that is my sole responsibility and something that I think I am looking forward to now that I finally have my head somewhat wrapped around my feelings and emotions. There are always going to be areas that need improvement, but it would most definitely behoove me to not focus on the negative aspects of those areas, and instead figure out what I need to do to actually improve those areas. It may take an hour, it may take a year, but the important part was the journey. Don't you love how I'm getting all philisophical?!
I read a lot of blogs. Seriously, what else is there for me to do when I'm at home on bedrest and have been so for 2 months?! Anyways, the blogs I read are of very inspiring people who make me want to be a better person. I want to get rid of our TVs and other non-important electronics and lead a simple life of reading and continual learning, but I really don't see my husband going for that. So maybe that isn't exactly for me. But, instead of sitting on the computer all day long and all night long, I need to engage with my husband and have actual meaninful conversations and do actual meaningful things. We are about to have a son and I do not want him spending all of his time playing video games and watching TV. I want him to learn great and wonderful things so he can contribute great and wonderful things to our society and improve it for my grandkids. I also want to go to Church. Of course that would entail finding a religion I am 100% behind, finding a Church I love, and actually getting my husband to go. I technically have a religion, but I don't know if I am 100% behind it anymore. I probably am, I just find the service boring. I really feel that Church is something that is missing in my life, even though I will probably regret that thought when I can't sleep in on Sundays anymore :).
I feel like there are so many aspects of my life that need changes. Maybe not huge changes, but changes nevertheless. And right now it does seem daunting because I have no idea where to start at. What will make the biggest impact? What is the best for my family? What will benefit my son the most? What will bring me the most joy? These are all questions I need to answer to feel complete about my decision(s). So the first thing I'm doing is going to Half Price Books tomorrow morning and I'm going to buy books! Lots of books! Parenting books and organizing books and learning books and just BOOKS! Can you tell I'm excited?! I'm hoping that, as well as work, will pull me away from this stupid computer! I sit at it day in and day out and I find myself depressed at the end of the day. So I've had enough. That's my first step, I'm backing away from the computer, at least a little bit. I'm taking baby steps folks. I'm also going to work on a daily schedule for myself, besides the one I have for cleaning, that will make me feel more productive and will help me in many other facets (reading! remember!) of my life.
I think the post from the other day was bad and good at the same time. I know what I need to do to my house at the very least. Plus, it opened my mind up and allowed me to realize that my life isn't as imperfect as I thought, but there are things I need to change. And I can personally make those changes a reality, and that is great! I only wish it wouldn't have dampened my spirits so much and allowed my bad mood to affect my husband, Mom, and animals. I truly wish I could take that back, but I need to learn to learn...that is to learn from my mistakes because I am one of those that believes everything happens for a reason. Basically, I needed to get depressed to see the error of my thinking and to change my thinking to something more productive. Amen!