Thursday, January 7, 2010

Unharden my Heart

I went with my Mom to Tom Thumb this afternoon after she got off of work. She picked me up at the house; we drove around for about an hour, and then headed to the store for some more green beans and other accoutrements. We frequent this store quite a bit; we were just there Monday as a matter of fact. There are two "slower" people who work there, a man and a woman. While we were trying to park (in the handicap spot due to my Mom's knees, which should be fine soon...), the man was collecting carts and happened to be in our way. I immediately got irritated and said some not so nice things to my Mom. And I immediately felt horrible. Yes, he can be a bit irritating, he will talk and talk to you saying the same thing over and over again, but that is no reason to get frustrated or irritated. I've really tried to make it a habit not to get "annoyed" by these folks, but apparently I'm not doing so well.

Sitting in my Mom's car, I began thinking about all of this and how unGodly and rude this is of me. I had an epiphany if you will. People are who they are, no matter their differences, and I should learn to love and accept everyone no matter what. It most definitely isn't my place to judge others. And I find judging others has quite a negative effect on my heart and my overall well being. I'm the first to admit, I'm quite a judgmental person, overly so really. I would like to lose this layer of my personality completely. Only God has the right to judge, and while I may not like a person’s so called flaws, I need to learn to accept them for what they are, part of God's creation.

This is a huge step for me because being judgmental is part of my personality, a big part. My husband often comments that I am way too judgmental and that's probably why I don't have a lot of friends. Though he is being sarcastic, I can't help but wonder if what he says is true. I don't open myself up to people because of my preconceived notion of their personalities. And truthfully, I'm probably missing out on knowing a lot of great people. I think it is also partly a defense mechanism as I myself am terrified of being judged by others. I am scared to know what they think when they see me and talk to me. But this is really only hurting me and depressing my soul.

I feel this falls along the lines of wanting to be more Godly and a much better Christian. I need to find a Church I feel connected to and find a group of women I can relate to and share experiences with. So I guess this is one huge goal for me. Open my heart more to God by finding a great Church, and then I will lose my judgmental-ness and live a happier life. See how it all relates?!

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